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fic: Denial Part 2 - I Wish I Didn't Know Now What I Didn't Know Then
lovablelexie
lovablelexie
fic: Denial Part 2
Title: Denial Part 2
Author: lovablelexie
Rating: NC17
Pairing: Rachel/Quinn
Summary: The continuation of Quinn's struggle with her sexuality and her relationship with Rachel
Disclaimer: This is a total piece of fiction, I own nothing and no one involved
Word Count: 4,468/10,417 total
A/N: Well after much pestering (I'm just kidding, I love you!) from connectedanon, I finally got this sequel done. I hope you like it and that it lives up to the original! As always comments are much appreciated, I savor every single one!




“Hey girlfriend! Having fun?”

“Yeah,” Quinn said unconvincingly. Inside, her brain was screaming. Rachel did not just call her “girlfriend” out loud with all of the Glee Club present. How could she give them away just like that?

It had only been two weeks since the afternoon in Rachel’s bedroom when Quinn had broken down after Rachel made love to her. Since then, they had tread lightly. They had agreed that they would try being girlfriends but keep a low profile in public.

And now here Rachel was, calling her girlfriend in front of everybody. But as soon as she heard Puck talking about raiding the liquor cabinet, Quinn calmed down. Everyone was focused on making this train wreck of a party more fun; if they even heard Rachel’s comment they sure as hell weren’t taking it seriously.

Quinn was hesitant about drinking, she’d only done it the one time and ended up pregnant, and Rachel had the gall to want to serve wine coolers, the infamous drink that Puck had used to get into her pants. But when the boys started grabbing random bottles of liquor and mixing drinks, Quinn absentmindedly took the red cup that was offered to her and took a sip.

The drink was mostly vodka with what appeared to be a hint of cranberry juice and it burned going down her throat. She was tempted to go to the bathroom and dump the contents of the cup down the sink drain but found herself taking another sip, which was quickly followed by another.

Before long Quinn found herself midway through her third drink and she was definitely feeling the effects of the vodka. She was surprised at the anger she felt coursing through her veins, most of it directed at Puck who was currently dancing like a fool while wearing Lauren Zizes’ glasses. She wanted to tell him how mad she was about him getting her pregnant, about how much she missed Beth every single day, that she wished she could take her first time back from him so she could give it to Rachel, but instead all she managed to say was, “I hate what you did to my body! I used to have abs!”

She drained the rest of her drink and was clumsily making her way over to the makeshift bar when suddenly Rachel was standing on a table and demanding that it was time to play spin the bottle. Quinn knew nothing good could come of such a game but she still found herself sitting in the circle between Mercedes and Finn. She watched with bored eyes as her friends spun the empty beer bottle and paired off swapping kisses, some chaste and quick, others sloppy and with tongue.

When Blaine spun the bottle and it landed on Rachel, Quinn tried to convince herself that she didn’t care. She lifted the red Solo cup to her lips and sipped her drink, her eyes watching the spectacle in front of her over the rim. Rachel was clearly drunk and more than eager to lock lips with the Warbler, telling him she was going to rock his world. Quinn decided she would have to have a word with Kurt for dragging him along to a Glee Club Only party.

Blaine and Rachel kissed longer than anyone expected and when Rachel finally pulled away, her eyes were glazed over and she slurred, “Your face tastes great.”

Quinn squeezed her cup tightly in her hand, surprised to find that she had drained it completely while Rachel sucked face with Blaine. She had never been jealous before, in her life she tended to always get what she wanted, but she figured jealously must be what she was feeling. She wasn’t ready for anyone to know she was gay or that she was in love with Rachel, she hadn’t even said those three words to Rachel yet, but she wanted to do something to prove that the tiny brunette was hers.

Rachel spun the beer bottle with a loud whoop of delight, her brown eyes practically spinning as she watched the bottle twirl. When it came to a stop, Rachel’s eyes widened and she suddenly seemed very clear-headed. “You know what, this is such a juvenile game. Let’s just forget it.”

“No way, Berry!” Puck shouted. “You spun, you gotta kiss her!”

Rachel swallowed hard. Just her luck that the bottle would land slightly off-center but undoubtedly pointing at Quinn. Kissing the blonde in front of everyone could have disastrous consequences; that is if Quinn even let her get close enough for them to kiss in the first place. She did not want to put Quinn in that position, she cared too much about the blonde to jeopardize their newfound relationship and whatever feelings they had for each other.
“Noah, I do not have to do any such thing. Besides, it’s not like Quinn even wants to kiss…”

“I’ll do it.”

The room went silent except for the thumping bass of the stereo as all eyes turned to Quinn. The fingers of her left hand were tapping against the carpet but other than that, she looked perfectly calm.

Rachel stared at the taller girl with wide eyes. “Quinn, that’s not necessary. Don’t let Noah force you to do something just because he finds it arousing…”

“Hey! It’s not my fault you are both hot chicks,” Puck interjected.

“Rachel,” Quinn responded firmly, giving Puck her evil eye, “it’s fine. It’s just a game. Let’s do it and get it over with.”

A final glance seeking permission and a nod of the head was all Rachel needed. She half crawled and half stumbled her way across the circle over to Quinn. Resting on her knees, the brunette leaned forward and pressed her lips to Quinn’s.

She intended it to be a quick peck on the lips for Quinn’s sake. But alcohol must really be liquid courage; she didn’t even have the chance to pull away before Quinn had wrapped a hand around the back of her neck and deepened the kiss.

Ignoring the catcalls from Puck, Artie, and what sounded a lot like Brittany, the girls moved their lips against each other ardently. Throwing caution to the wind, Rachel ran her tongue across Quinn’s full lips. The blonde obliged her girlfriend, opening her mouth slightly and allowing her tongue entrance. Without thinking, Rachel moaned into Quinn’s mouth and pulled the taller girl’s body closer to her own.

“This is so fucking hot!”

The outburst from Puck followed by the flash of a camera phone was enough to pull both Rachel and Quinn out of their passionate reverie. Rachel stared at Quinn apologetically and wasn’t at all surprised when the blonde took on her bitchy persona.

“Puckerman, I swear, if that picture ends up on Facebook I will castrate you.” With sudden cat-like reflexes, she leaned over and snatched the phone out of Puck’s hand and immediately deleted the picture, ignoring his strangled protests. She tossed the device back to him and said in a deadly voice to the group at large, “This does not get repeated to anyone. Is that understood?”

Following that the party continued on as normal with Puck cornering Quinn and Rachel every half hour or so trying to get them to kiss again. After a series of rebuffs and a threat of a kick in his jewels from Quinn, the mohawked boy spent the rest of the evening dancing like an idiot and hitting on Santana.

It was nearly four in the morning when Kurt and Finn began gathering up their drunken friends to take them home. Santana was a blubbery crying mess, Brittany was complaining that she couldn’t find her bra, and Blaine had an arm wrapped around Mercedes’ waist as he was practically passed out. Finn walked down the basement stairs and said to Rachel who was spinning side to side on a bar stool, “Okay Rach, I think we have everyone so we’re going to take off. Are you okay by yourself?” It was at that moment he noticed a flash of blonde hair at the sink behind the bar. “Quinn? What are you still doing here? I thought you were in Kurt’s car.”

“I think I’m just going to stay here,” the cheerleader replied casually. “My mom is on a trip with her sister this weekend and I don’t want to be in that big house all by myself so Rachel said I could crash here.”

Finn looked between Quinn and Rachel trying to determine exactly what was going on. “Good night Finn,” Rachel said when the tall boy continued to stand there. “You better hurry back to the car before Brittany figures out how to open the door and goes streaking.”

Rachel followed Finn up the stairs so she could lock the front door behind him and then made her way back to the basement. Quinn was still behind the bar except now she had two full cocktail glasses in front of her. “What
are you doing?” Rachel asked.

“I thought we could have a nightcap.” Quinn could still feel the alcohol in her system but her buzz was wearing off and she wanted that feeling back. That feeling of being relaxed and untroubled and wanting to touch Rachel without worrying about the consequences.

“A nightcap?” Rachel giggled. “What seventeen year old says that?”

“Spoken from the only walking thesaurus I’ve ever met,” Quinn said, sliding one of the glasses across the bar in front of Rachel. “I’m sorry, my parents were country clubbers. I was brought up with bar lingo.”

Rachel took a large swallow of the drink and immediately spluttered. “Damn Quinn, what is this?”

“It’s a Poor Man’s Stinger.” Seeing the look of confusion on the brunette’s face she immediately added, “Peppermint schnapps with a whiskey float. You’re supposed to sip it, that’s why it’s a nightcap.”

Quinn may have only drunk one other time in her life but she was brought up around overly social parents who were always drinking one thing or another. By the time she was fourteen she was taught how to mix the perfect martini and she honed her bartending skills from there as a way to be able to participate in the parties her parents would throw at the house. It was the Fabrays’ way of showing off their beautiful flawless daughter and thinking about it now made Quinn’s stomach tie up in knots. Her father had moved back in just after the school year had started, a fact that she neglected to tell anyone and the main reason why she did not want to go home, and the thought of one day telling her parents that she was gay, well that would be the last straw and she would be thrown out of the house again and this time probably for good.

She was pulled out of her thoughts by Rachel’s soft hand covering her own. “Quinn?” she asked softly. “Where did you just go?”

“I was thinking about my parents and how terrified I am about everything.”

“Oh sweetie, it’s okay. We’re taking things slow remember? You don’t have to tell anyone anything until you’re ready. Although if we keep having parties where we drink and play spin the bottle I think people will start to figure things out.” Rachel’s lips curved upward into a smile and Quinn felt her face doing the same.

“Yeah I wasn’t planning on kissing you like that,” the blonde said. “But your lips just felt so good against mine.” At her own statement Quinn’s face flushed pink and she stared down into her drink.

“Don’t be embarrassed Quinn.” Rachel’s voice was soft and soothing. “I like it too. I like it very much.”

“I…I still have that voice inside of me saying that it’s wrong.”

The past few weeks had been extremely rough on Quinn. Whenever she saw Rachel she was overcome with the need to kiss her and she was flooded with the memories of the singer’s tiny fingers inside of her making her feel things she had never felt before. Yet there was that part of her brain, the one that had been convinced by her upbringing that homosexuality was a sin, that told her she was a bad person and that she would burn in hell for not only having these feelings but for acting on them. More often than not Quinn cried herself to sleep, her heart in such conflict with her brain and not knowing how to rectify it.

Rachel, to her credit, had been nothing but supportive. Since that afternoon in her bedroom she had not pushed Quinn to do anything even though her hormones were working in overdrive with the need to be touched by the blonde. She knew it would take Quinn time to find herself and she was happy to simply be part of the journey.

When they had polished off their drinks Rachel asked, “Do you want to go to bed?” At the words Quinn’s eyelids suddenly felt heavy and she nodded her head. Rachel held out her hand, which Quinn promptly took after walking out from behind the bar.

The brunette led the cheerleader up two flights of stairs to her bedroom and upon entering the bright yellow room and said, “I’m going to brush my teeth. I have t-shirts and shorts in my closet that you can change in to.”

Quinn picked out a black Wicked t-shirt and a pair of pajama shorts with little music notes on them as everything in the closet practically screamed that they belonged to Rachel Berry and these looked the most comfortable. The blonde inwardly cursed the diva’s tiny stature; the shorts barely covered her backside and left little to the imagination. She sat cross-legged in the center of Rachel’s full sized bed, grabbing one of the many stuffed animals that littered the top of Rachel’s headboard.

She was fiddling with the ratty old teddy bear when Rachel walked out of the bathroom. Her hands stilled as her eyes blatantly looked the brunette up and down. Rachel had shed her God awful dress and was apparently going to sleep in what she had on underneath, a black tank top and blue and green striped cotton boy shorts. Quinn definitely approved of the choice but what she enjoyed even more were the dark black glasses on Rachel’s face.

“You wear glasses?” Quinn asked, thunderstruck.

“Yes. Unfortunately my eyesight is not perfect and I require the aid of contact lenses or glasses.” Rachel sat on the edge of the bed, purposefully not getting too close to Quinn.

“I like them. You look…” Quinn glanced nervously around the room as if someone was there to overhear her. “Sexy,” she finished.

Rachel beamed. “You think so?” The blonde rarely complimented her; even once they had forged a friendship the old insults of “Treasure Trail,” “Man Hands,” and all the others haunted Rachel.

“Yeah.” Quinn had never called a girl sexy except in her own head before and to finally say it out loud and to see the way it made Rachel’s face light up; it made her want to say more. “You should wear them more often. Although you’re beautiful no matter what.” The taller girl timidly reached out with her right hand and tucked a loose strand of hair behind Rachel’s ear, watching in awe as the singer’s eyes closed and she leaned in to the touch so Quinn’s fingertips grazed her cheek.

Rachel could feel the effects of the alcohol running through her body. Behind her closed eyelids it felt like the room was spinning and she was filled with an urge to touch Quinn in any way possible. Then, as if an answer to her unspoken prayers, the blonde whispered hoarsely, “Kiss me.”

Rachel opened her eyes a fraction of an inch, just to gauge where Quinn’s lips were in relations to hers, before closing them again and leaning in until her full lips came in contact with the softness of Quinn’s. She moved her lips slowly and delicately, treating Quinn like a fragile doll that could break apart at any moment. What she did not consider, however, was that Quinn was also under the influence of alcohol, enough to give her that added bit of courage. She let out a moan of surprise and pleasure when she felt the blonde’s lips press harder against hers and she kissed back with an equal amount of passion.

Both girls’ tongues snuck out of their mouths at almost the exact same second as if they were in sync with the others body. The tips of their tongues met and Rachel, acting totally on instinct, straddled Quinn’s lap and wrapped her arms around her new girlfriend’s neck. Quinn’s fingers fiddled with the hem of Rachel’s tank top and her fingers grazed smooth skin but she quickly pulled away as if she had been burned. She placed her palms flat on the mattress but continued to kiss Rachel deeply, her tongue swirling with the brunette’s and their lips gliding together.

Rachel shifted so she was perched over Quinn’s thigh and rotated her hips causing her core to rub against the blonde’s creamy pale skin. She moaned, a low sound from deep within her throat, and her hands gripped Quinn’s shoulders tightly. The blonde could feel Rachel’s wetness through the thin layer of the boy shorts on her bare thigh and her hands moved of their own accord back to the bottom of the singer’s tank top.

“Quinn,” Rachel moaned against the tall girl’s lips when she felt hands slip under her shirt and glide over her flat stomach. Quinn moved her lips away from Rachel’s and hovered her mouth right above the diva’s pulse point. She was about to latch on when a cold chill seized her and her body stiffened.

Rachel’s movements stilled. “What’s wrong? Quinnie?” She looked into Quinn’s hazel eyes; they were blank and that scared Rachel more than anything else. The blonde’s fingers now felt heavy and cold on her stomach.

“I…I want to touch you Rachel. God, I want to. But I can’t, not yet. I’m not ready.” She stopped herself from adding, “It’s wrong,” as she was trying so hard to suppress that voice and make it disappear forever.

But everything else she said was true. While she had allowed Rachel to fuck her senseless for months now and had her breakdown moment when the brunette had made love to her with her fingers, she knew she wasn’t ready to do that to Rachel. Not that she didn’t think about it because she did, she thought about it a lot. Late at night, when she wasn’t crying herself to sleep with guilt, she thought about all the ways she wanted to touch Rachel with both her fingers and her tongue. She would put her hand in her panties and feel how wet she was and she would rub her clit with her middle finger, imagining that it was Rachel’s tiny nub until she fell apart, the singer’s name a quiet cry on her lips. She would then bring her wet finger to her lips and lick her juices, letting her mind wonder how Rachel tasted. But here, in this moment, she knew she wasn’t physically ready to do it; but she knew Rachel needed release, in their close proximity she could feel and smell the girl’s musky arousal.

“I’m not ready yet but…I want you to feel good. I want to watch you come. Will you…touch yourself for me?”

Rachel’s heart rate sped up and all she could do was nod her head. She was so turned on just from kissing Quinn and she understood that her girlfriend needed time but she needed to come. She had been planning on sneaking away to the bathroom once Quinn was asleep, if she didn’t get off from rubbing against the blonde’s thigh, but this was a million times better. The thought of masturbating in front of Quinn was so intimate that she couldn’t stop herself from leaning over and placing a sweet kiss on her girlfriend’s lips.

“I’d do anything for you. You know that.”

She lay down on the bed with two pillows underneath her head and slowly trailed a hand down her neck. Her fingers traced her collarbone and then she pulled the straps of her tank top down her shoulders and pushed the thin fabric down exposing her breasts and her erect nipples. She trailed a hand between her breasts and then pinched both nipples, her eyes never leaving Quinn’s.

The blonde’s breath caught in her throat when Rachel’s right hand went to tease her pussy through the material of her boy shorts and her left continued to tease one of her nipples. Her small hand dipped into the waistband of her underwear and her eyes fluttered closed.

“Rachel.” It came out as a strangled cry and the diva opened one eye to look at Quinn. “Can you take the boy shorts off? I want to see you.”

The brunette hooked her thumbs into her panties and pulled them down her legs and kicked them to the floor with her foot. She then pulled off her tank that was resting just below her breasts and threw that on the ground as well. With her feet planted firmly on the mattress she opened her legs and fully exposed herself to Quinn.

“Oh my God, Rachel. You are so beautiful,” Quinn whispered. She had never seen Rachel fully naked before and now she was spread eagled on the bed, her sex wet and glistening, her clit taking center stage. The singer ran her middle finger between her slit and began rubbing her clit in small circles. Quinn gasped; Rachel touched herself the same way she did. “Do you put fingers inside yourself?” Quinn asked before her mind could even stop her.

“No,” Rachel replied her finger still moving over the firm bundle. “I’ve been saving that for the right person. For you, Quinn.”

The blonde sucked in a deep breath. All of a sudden every single one of the sexual encounters the two of them had over the months didn’t matter because Rachel had never been penetrated. The fact that the singer was saving that part of herself, and for Quinn no less, made the blonde’s heart swell with love. She felt tears prick at the back of her eyes but willed them away. She wanted to focus on what Rachel was doing.

The brunette’s finger was moving faster over her clit, her eyes were closed and her breaths were coming out in short pants. She had one hand cupping her breast, her thumb occasionally running over her nipple. She made little mewling whimpers but she kept cutting them short as if she were afraid of Quinn’s reaction.

Quinn crawled across the bed so she was at Rachel’s side and she leaned down and whispered in her ear, “It’s okay if you’re thinking about me doing this to you. Say my name. I want to hear you say it when you make yourself come.”

The moan Rachel released was high pitched and lustful. Her back arched ever so slightly and her finger pressed down hard on her clit. Then she liberated the litany she had been holding in for so long. “Oh Quinn, yes Quinn. I’m so close. Quinn baby, yes, oh Quinn. Quinn. Quinn.”

The blonde watched with wide soulful eyes at the sight of Rachel about to come undone. Her finger was moving frantically and her hips were rocking back and forth while her thumb and forefinger on her other hand were pinching and pulling roughly at her nipple. Suddenly her knees locked and her body went stiff and she moaned, “Qu-Quinn.”

In that moment, watching such a beautiful woman orgasm from her own touch with her name on her lips, Quinn felt the tears return to her eyes. She brushed them away with the back of her hand but she couldn’t stop the words from tumbling out of her mouth. “Rachel, I love you. That was beautiful.”

In the millisecond it took for her brain to register what she had said her body froze and she knew from the way Rachel’s hand suddenly stilled and her eyes snapped open that her words had not gone unnoticed. “Quinn?” the brunette asked quietly as she sat up and held a pillow in front of her chest feeling vulnerable and exposed.

Quinn’s brain was moving a mile a minute, thinking of what she could say, how she could take her words back. But then she realized that she didn’t want to take them back. She did love Rachel and while she might not yet be capable of showing that love physically or to tell the world, she was ready to say it to her girlfriend. “I love you Rachel,” she said, her tone filled with confidence.

The brunette’s dark brown eyes welled with tears, she never expected Quinn to say those words first and so soon. Even though the blonde sounded so self-assured Rachel knew this could easily be a case of one step forward followed by two steps backward. But tonight she was willing to throw caution to the wind.

“I love you too.”

The kiss they shared was soft and sweet and when Rachel pulled away and licked her lips she could taste the saltiness of Quinn’s tears. “Please don’t cry,” she said gently.

“You are just so good to me. You don’t push and you deal with all my insecurities. What did I ever do to deserve someone like you?”

Rachel got off the bed and put her pajamas back on before sitting back down on the mattress and taking Quinn into her arms. Despite their height difference, Quinn’s head fit perfectly against Rachel’s shoulder. She wrapped her arm around the singer’s petite waist while Rachel stroked her hair.

“You deserve to be loved for who you are Quinn. Not for some preconceived notion of who you are or for what people think you should be. You let me see that side of you that no one else gets to see. I know you and I love you. Even the parts of yourself that you are still too afraid to let shine.”

Quinn felt Rachel place a kiss on the top of her head and she held onto her waist tighter. She had no idea what the morning would bring once she was stone cold sober and she only hoped that she would be able to deal with it. She knew she had opened up a huge piece of her heart and she was trusting Rachel to keep it safe while she continued to struggle with her demons.

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5 Martinis ~ Pour Me a Drink
Comments
connectedanon From: connectedanon Date: July 5th, 2011 05:18 am (UTC) (Link)
I am so glad I asked you to continue to write for this. Really. I had a really long list of little things that I loved about this in my mind, and I'm not sure if I can remember them all now, but I'll try.
a) jealous!Quinn. I love, love, love when she comes out to get feisty and mark her territory (even if nobody knows it yet)
b) I love it when Puck's mind goes to naughty places.
c) The possibility of Brittany streaking. I just thought that was really funny.
d) Quinn using the word "nightcap" She's such a classy bitch.
e) Rachel realizing that Quinn's mind wandered off. Soul mates.
f) (this one if my favorite detail) RACHEL IN GLASSES. Oh. My. God. I can't. I legitimately squealed at that. I love it. So fucking much.
g) asdfghjkl; I thought Quinn was ready!! But it's totally fine that she's not, because Rachel touched herself and then, and then, AND THEN Quinn said the L word and I died.
f) I'm just loving everything about this and... more? Please and thank you. :D

Wait... Have I mentioned that I love you for continuing this? If not, you should know that I do. :)
lovablelexie From: lovablelexie Date: July 5th, 2011 01:01 pm (UTC) (Link)
Ahh thank you so much for the wonderful review! As bretttashley can tell you, long reviews are the way to my heart. :)

I was so worried about writing a sequel because I put my heart and soul into the original and it is honestly the piece of writing I am most proud of (well behind Seeing Double) because of its complexities.

When I started writing I too thought Quinn was ready but the more I wrote, I figured the alcohol would give her some liquid courage but not that much which in turn would lead to her wanting to see Rachel touch herself and come on, who wouldn't want to see that? And then the spontaneous admission that she loved her...I just thought it was fitting.

So glad you liked Rachel in glasses (I'll have to admit that I totally had you in mind when I wrote that.) Because God the image of that woman in boy shorts, a tank and glasses is just too delicious to pass up (perhaps I should stop thinking about it right now as I am at work.)

And I definitely feel I have to continue this-there's just so much more that can be explored! I'm trying to keep a balance between plot line and smut (because come on it's me, I can't have an update that doesn't include smut) but we'll see if Quinn is ready for that next step or not in the next installment. :)
sannn87 From: sannn87 Date: July 5th, 2011 07:06 am (UTC) (Link)
beautifully written, as always :)
lovablelexie From: lovablelexie Date: July 5th, 2011 10:37 am (UTC) (Link)
:D Thank you so much, as always!
pumitas From: pumitas Date: July 9th, 2011 04:51 pm (UTC) (Link)
A really amazing story. Thanks for sharing.
5 Martinis ~ Pour Me a Drink